Whenever I do a “mindful parenting” group or workshop, the number one struggle of all parents is how do I stop yelling at my kids? They know its wrong, but can’t control it. We all do it, including myself. I often feel like a hypocrite teaching these workshops when I am guilty of the same thing. I’m sure my friends also are wondering how in the world I am teaching a parenting workshop. One of my favorite lines is “we are all doing the best we can.” No one sets out to be a bad parent. We are all going to screw up our kids, just as our parents screwed us up, and we are all fine, for the most part. The most important thing is not to beat yourself up about the less than perfect behaviors, but showing your child unconditional love and acceptance of who they are as a child. D.W. Winnicott’s psychological theory says we need to be the “good enough” mother. This does not mean would should not try to be the best parent we can be, but know that you will not be perfect all the time. Guilt is a useless emotion and a complete waste of energy.
My definition of mindful parenting is being the parent you want to be, instead of the parent you are unconsciously becoming. Paying attention to your reactions and behaviors are important, so you don’t end up becoming your mother. Sometimes that may not be so bad, but we want to do it intentionally, not subconsciously. Being “mindful” can also help create the space between stimulus and response. When you feel yourself being triggered, take some deep breaths, pause, and don’t react immediately. Try and physically feel and focus on the sensations in your body when you get stressed, the rapid heart beat, tightness in the chest etc. This shift from thinking to observing, can get you out of your frenetic state. With frequent meditation practice, you will get much better at this, because your body will be familiar with breathing and watching the sensations of your body. It’s like muscle memory.
Another way to be a mindful mom is giving your child your complete attention. This is the best gift you can give to them and to yourself. It’s much more difficult to parent when we are mulit-tasking, doing a thousand things at once. I know we have our agenda, but sometimes we need to stop and give them the attention they need. You both will be better off for it. For those moms who don’t have time to meditate, I suggest that they follow their child around for 1/2 hour with no distractions, and give them their complete attention. That is a meditation because you are focusing on one thing at a time. (Caution: this does not work with adolescents and can appear creepy. When they are adolescents, you have plenty of time to meditate because they ignore you.)
Our kids have a different agenda than we do, which account for them not listening to us the first, second or third time. They don’t care if they have to be at the dentist on time and need to put their shoes on. We care. We have to put ourselves in their shoes and validate what their feeling. Acknowledging that they don’t wan’t to go, but telling them that we need to make sure they have healthy teeth. In addition, we need to validate feelings when they are angry, sad or anxious. Telling them, its ok to be angry, but they can’t express it by throwing things. Maybe offering a motivational reward can be helpful too. I like to use the technique of a warning and then the loss of a certain gaming device if they don’t follow the direction. Unfortunately, when these well intentioned techniques fail, I resort to yelling and the guilt begins. Sometimes, that is the only thing that gets their attention, and it does happen on occasion. I’m doing the best I can.